A person sitting on a bench looks out at the ocean in front of them.

Contributed By: Erin McMaugh Tierno

Most people feel guilty about their fantasies. They chastise themselves when they daydream about, for example, good-looking strangers from the subway instead of their partner. “What’s wrong with me?” they wonder. “I’m a bad person for even thinking this.”

If you’ve been daydreaming a lot, we have good news: the kind of fantasizing most people engage in is perfectly normal. In fact, we often recommend our patients give themselves permission to engage in adaptive (healthy) daydreaming to help them process difficult emotions and manage destructive impulses.

On the other hand, it’s possible to take fantasies too far. If you’re struggling with excessive or compulsive daydreaming, your fantasizing may have become maladaptive. In other words, it isn’t helping you adapt to life’s challenges—it’s making things worse.

Maladaptive daydreaming isn’t a recognized disorder (at least, not according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Nevertheless, this condition is associated with a variety of unpleasant symptoms, including insomnia, social withdrawal, and declining work performance.

5 signs of adaptive (healthy) daydreaming

If you’ve been daydreaming a lot, you shouldn’t immediately assume your fantasies are maladaptive. On the other hand, it couldn’t hurt to take a critical look at how your daydreams are impacting your life.

Here are five signs you should embrace your fantasies—not fight them:

1. You don’t act on your fantasies

It would not be a good idea to physically kick someone in the shins after they bump into you on the subway. But it could be really liberating and funny to daydream about it. By allowing yourself to experience a full range of emotions, you avoid bottling them up.

There’s a HUGE difference between thinking about something and doing it, yet many of us weren’t raised to make that distinction. Instead, we were taught that certain feelings are bad and should be repressed. If you use your fantasies to facilitate the expression of complicated emotions and to prevent yourself from causing real-world harm, you’re probably engaging in adaptive daydreaming.

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2. You know the difference between fantasy and reality

You know Jason Momoa isn’t actually going to show up on your doorstep with flowers to profess his undying love. It’s a harmless (and extremely pleasurable) fantasy, and you’re perfectly aware of that fact.

Fantasies about people you actually know can be a bit slipperier. Imagine this: you just got home from your second date with a guy you met last week, and things are going well. So you launch into a detailed daydream about what your wedding will be like and what a kind and loving husband and father he’ll surely be.

It’s okay to daydream about your romantic future—as long as you don’t allow your hopes to supplant reality. Assuming you’re willing to take the time to really get to know this guy before making any real commitments, you shouldn’t worry too much about the occasional matrimonial daydream.

3. You’re not daydreaming excessively

Moderate doses of fantasy can be beneficial in terms of discharging stagnant emotions. For example, it could be cathartic to watch a sad movie if it helps you process your grief from a recent breakup in a way that feels safe and contained.

On the other hand, excessive daydreaming can deaden your senses to real-world stimuli. For example, maybe you spend hours upon hours every day reading steamy fantasy novels. Fantasy books and films are designed to maximize your psychological response. If you overconsume them, they can desensitize you to real-life romantic encounters, making them less enjoyable.

In contrast, fantasies that pop into a person’s head tend to be self-titrating. In other words, they’re no more frequent or stimulating than they need to be. If you’ve been participating in adaptive daydreaming, you don’t fantasize excessively, and your daydreams don’t overstimulate you.

4. You’re still participating in the real world

Suppose you’ve been daydreaming about everything you’d like to say to your overbearing mother-in-law. Instead of having an honest conversation with her, you do it all in your head. Your fantasies make you feel better, but they also take away some of your motivation to tackle the problem. As a result of your maladaptive daydreaming, you never set any real-life boundaries with your MIL, and your relationship never improves.

If you want to instead engage in adaptive daydreaming, you can view your fantasies as a trigger and tool for improving your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about chewing out your MIL if it allows you to blow off some steam—and perhaps visualize what you want (and don’t want) to say to her when you talk in real life.

5. You’re curious about your fantasies’ meaning

Not every fantasy has some deep meaning. You certainly don’t need to analyze them all. But the fantasies that come up for you repeatedly likely have an underlying psychological cause.

For example, maybe you’ve constantly been daydreaming about leaving your partner and getting together with someone else. Taking a closer look at that recurring fantasy might highlight some unmet needs, perhaps motivating you to work harder on the relationship (or move on to greener pastures).

Still not sure whether you’re engaging in adaptive vs. maladaptive daydreaming?

Our therapists help people in NYC and throughout the state better understand their psychology, including any compulsive or excessive daydreams. Contact us for a free consult to learn more.