The way your parents bond with you as an infant can affect your attachment style well into adulthood.

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People who exhibit a disorganized attachment style often come from backgrounds where emotional and physical abuse were a constant presence.

If you did not have a secure bond with your parents as a child (your environment at home was unsafe in some or you lost a parent) you may have a disorganized attachment style as an adult.

Attachment styles can change throughout your life, but becoming aware of your own attachment style is a vital part of making that change. Thus, a relationship counselor in New York City asks you to consider a few common signs of a disorganized attachment style.

Unpredictable Mood Swings

Someone with a disorganized attachment style may cling to their friends or partner one day, then push them away the next. This may be exhibited as a sign of a disorganized attachment style. For example, as a child, if your parents were unloving toward you, it can be hard in adulthood to trust that other people in your life will consistently be honest and caring. It makes sense that you may end up having a disorganized attachment style due to growing up in such a way.

Further, you may crave the feeling of closeness, and then become scared of vulnerability. Relationships become a game of going back and forth between extreme closeness and being distant and guarded. You may feel confused about what you really want out of your friendships and romantic relationships.

Self-Sabotage

For a person with a disorganized attachment style, chaos often feels like the norm. Stability, on the other hand, can be uncomfortable.

You may find yourself making the same mistakes over and over again. Or you could be consciously putting yourself in situations that you know won’t benefit you. Plus, you may seek out toxic relationships that keep you on an emotional roller coaster.

A sky filled with dark gray clouds above a dark terrain of land

With a disorganized attachment style, you may feel as though you can’t trust stability to last. In turn, you may act in a way that results in confirmation of your pre-existing belief. This cycle can continue for years on end.

Overwhelming Emotions

People with disorganized attachment styles often experience intense, overwhelming emotions. And if you did not learn healthy coping skills from your parents, you may not know how to manage those emotions.

Perhaps you feel like other people don’t understand how sensitive you are. Or you may take your feelings out on those around you. At other times, you may try to dissociate from your feelings and avoid processing them altogether.

This inconsistency can make it hard for your friends, relatives, and romantic partners to understand how they can support you.

Anxiety and Hyperactivity

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you may experience persistent anxiety. For example, you may always wonder when someone is going to snap at you. Or you question whether or not someone is faking their commitment to you.

Feeling uncertain and insecure about your relationships can put your nervous system on high alert as a result.

There are several other ways in which anxiety can manifest in people with disorganized attachment styles. For example, children with disorganized attachment styles can be jumpy and hyperactive. And this nervous energy can make it hard for them to sit still.

Difficulty Maintaining Relationships

If your very first experiences with your parents were even mildly tumultuous or volatile, you may struggle to maintain loving relationships as an adult. In fact, someone with a disorganized attachment style may not know how to accept love that is freely given by a secure friend or partner.

Maybe you feel suspicious of people with seemingly good intentions, and you’re scared of getting too close to them. In your eyes, getting close to someone only means giving them the power to hurt you. And, therefore, you keep your guard up.

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Relationship Counseling for Singles Can Help

Did any of these signs seem applicable to you? If the answer is yes, it’s okay. It can be hard to analyze yourself and understand why you do the things you do. But, that’s the first step to self-growth. If you have personal or professional goals that you just can’t seem to reach, self-reflection is a powerful tool to help you grow to get you there someday. If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, dating, and creating healthy relationships, you’re in the right place.

Our therapists in New York City offer relationship counseling for singles. Of course, if you are in a relationship and would like to come to therapy individually, you are welcome here. This is a space for individual self-reflection, healing, and growth with a therapist. We want to help you achieve your goals, whether those are personal or professional. And a huge part of that is understanding who you are and where you want to go in the future. In other words, we help you identify where you can grow or heal in order to become the most authentic version of yourself. And when you’re the most authentic version of yourself, you feel good dating and creating a life with another person.

Relationship Counseling for Singles in New York City

Self-reflection can be intimidating. But, it’s so important for us to do so we can move forward in our lives. If you’re ready to work with a relationship counselor to understand yourself, your current relationships, and future relationships more fully, follow the steps below.

Contact The Keely Group here.
Get to know your therapist and our practice during a free 20-minute consultation call.
Explore and get to know yourself better in relationship counseling.

Counseling Services Offered at The Keely Group

The therapists at our New York City-based therapy practice care about helping you succeed. Being successful means bringing the best of yourself to relationships, health, parenting, work, and more. To help you meet your goals, we offer anxiety treatment and stress management as well as executive coaching. Additionally, we provide fertility counseling and family planning and counseling for parents to help support families. And all of our services are accessible from anywhere in New York state with online therapy in New York.